More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
