She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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