here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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