STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
