a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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