That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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