I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
