Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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