The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
