Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
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Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
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So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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