Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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