I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
