its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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