How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
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I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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