Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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