There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
