I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.