dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
