mondays should just be called national damage control day
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
