why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
