i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
