I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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