somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize