I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
