How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
