Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
