Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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