Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
