he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
