The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
