the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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