apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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