I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize