He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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