I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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