How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
