The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
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The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
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The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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