I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
