WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
