that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
