question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
