i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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