I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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