Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
