now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
