Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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