just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
