Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
