I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He shit in the fireplace
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
