it wasn't lemon gatorade
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
