awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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