dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
zippers are such a cool invention
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Randomize
