youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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